Dear Old Me
I was away for some time and I even thought that maybe I should stop blogging, but then I understood that maybe I shouldn`t, because I really enjoy doing it. It`s like my own little world where I can express myself and share my life with you. This particular post is going to be a long one and I thought a lot if I should write about this on my blog or not. It is a very personal topic, but maybe it`s also time for you to get to know me a little better.
A few moths ago I went through the hardest few months of my life. One night I was about to wake up at 4 am and it felt like a nightmare. Well, actually I hadn`t been sleeping normally for a couple of weeks already, I felt that something was not right, but at the same time I said to myself that I overthink and it`s all ok. My trust was compleately broken from the person I thought would never do that. The person I grew up with, the person I started dating before high school, college, blogging, work etc. And throught that journey of these years I started putting my identity as a "girlfriend".... never just Carina. So, when I lost him I lost myself, because I was just Carina for the first time and I was`t ready for it.
After this I learnt that it`s never good time for a change. I thought I knew who I was but I didn`t and that was scary. I started hiding behind social media, my friends, my colleagues and followers, but inside there was someone screaming who just wanted to be herself and feel free. And I was angry at myself, because I knew I was changing and I started to look at my old photos and I wanted to see that Carina, but I knew that I´m not that Carina anymore. And I was`t used to that. I used to put on this face all the time. It was always about what everyone else thought, it was never how about I felt. There were always so many questions in my head. I mean not when I was with this person, most of the times I was 100% myself, but when there was his family or friends involved, I always questioned myself: Am I good enough? Am I wearing the right clothes? Is my make-up perfect? Aren`t my hair too greasy? It was always about making that impession to be that "normal" girlfriend. But I have never been just the girl next door, but I tried to become her.
Also, I hit that rock bottom. I didn`t wanna wake up. I just wanted to keep escaping from reality and go back to bed. I did`t even want to sleep, I just wanted to lay in my bed and stay there for days. Then I realised that I can`t hide from it, I had to face it. I had to sit on it, and feel depressed, and cry, and be alone, and sleep. And I wasn`t even crying over losing someone in my life. I cried because I was so confused. I admit it, it felt like s**t. But at least I was honest with myself. If I wanted to curse, I cursed. If I wanted to smoke those 2 packs of cigarettes a day, I did that, even though I don`t smoke. If I wanted to dance in the club all night long and drink, I did that too. And if I wanted to dye my hair and wear my piercings again, I did that. And I realised if someone behaves like this, then I should leave. I thought that I have to keep in touch with this person for some reasons, but no. I understood that I`m so much more than some responsibilities.
I stood in front of the mirror and said "Stop being afraid to love yourself". I understood that I can be who I am and who I want to be. It`s all up to me. Today, I look at myself in the mirror and I know that`s who I am, and that`s totally ok. When I started to put myself first, everything started to change. I`m actually comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Change is scary, but I`m growing up, I`m not supposed to stay the same. I`m gonna be better from this, I`m going to be stronger from this and I know that I`m going to be really happy with who I become. Also, I know that this person needed to find happiness and I needed to find happiness. This all had to happen so I could find myself.